WOW! That was a long title!
Recently I have started to workout more and I have been eating better.. why? Because I am becoming a new me. There have been more times than I can count on my fingers of when I have tried to workout and keep it going. But each and every time I have failed and given up because it became too time consuming or I didn't believe in myself.
Body image is something that is everywhere, in every generation, and its all consuming. We all have this image of what we think is perfect or what we need to look like to be happy. We push ourselves past our breaking point and get stuck in a negative bubble that drags us down and sometimes drags people we care about down with us.
When I was around 7, I was very little and short. I was carefree and I wasn't introduced yet to how sometimes we are our own worse enemy. When I was 16, I was very aware about how I looked. How I wasn't like the other girls that were breathtakingly beautiful. How I wasn't that skinny 7 year old anymore. I was still short though... So theres that! haha! I started to cover up every inch of me with sweaters and long pants... anything to hide how I really looked. I was ashamed of how I looked and I was only 16. The age where I should be having fun and making memories that I can look back on and smile at. But what I can remember now the most is that dark place in my mind where I picked myself apart but managed to hide it with my never ending smile. When I was 19, (so, recently haha!) I was happy with where my life was going and who was in it, but I still was in that dark place where I never saw myself of being good enough because my looks were not good enough. Now as my 20 year old self, I am taking a stand against my demons. I have started to slowly but surely get rid of sugars like candy and soda, and I started to eat cleaner rather than eating processed foods that are pre made. I have started to do Insanity which is just as it sounds... INSANE! This whole process has been hard and it really messes with me at times, but I have never felt more alive and more proud of myself. Of course there are days like today (Wednesdays are Zombie day for me...) where there is no sign of any energy and I feel like giving up. But I remember how I felt at 16 and it pushes me. I have made a lot of changes in my life because it was dragging me deeper and deeper. Internal changes from within and changes with how my life was going. People have left my life and people have stayed and I always find a way to look at the positive. No one will be there forever. Unless they are like my high school gal pals that are absolutely amazing and will probably be my bridesmaids.... Yes I just said gal pals.
Through working out, I have found how to push when I thought I didn't have it in me. I have found how to see myself as beautiful but in progress of something better than how I look.... Happiness..
I am just feeling super good!!
UPDATES:
Dance is flowing through my life like no other.. I have made 5 dances so far and I have been super proud of where I have grown from my technique classes. When I first started at UNC, I was scared of how good everyone was and how I couldn't amount to the same level as they were. But since joining Dance Fusion, finding friends within the dance program and keeping my Elluminate group close, I have found confidence to keep going. Of course I am still insecure at times, but the support system I have amazes me all the time.
Speaking of Dance, the project is almost finished and ready! I have put myself in such a vulnerable state for this project and so has everyone else that is in it with me. We have created something super special and it feels great to feel proud about what it is. God definitely is looking out for me. I feel blessed for all the opportunities that he has put on my path!
Well! Thanks for reading my posts! Find your way to happiness and stick with it!
Until Next Time,
XOXO,
Gossip Girl
AKA.. M'lyn
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